Which Road to Follow?

The following is a problematic essay from my English class, it is intense but it's nothing but the truth.

Which Road to Follow?

            Life is like taking a road-trip; the roads we take depend on where we want to go. For me--and others like me--being a “Gay Mormon” has come up as an unexpected detour. Choosing which road to follow in this detour is no easy task and has left me in complete torment and being torn between my desires and my beliefs. I have just started on my personal journey of self-discovery and am constantly bombarded on a daily basis by the wants and the needs of this conflict. Do I follow what I have known and have believed in for most of my life and not give in to my desires? Or do I live a double life full of secrecy? Or do I give in and go after my desires leaving my behind beliefs without a second thought? Or after all the torment that I’ve gone through and continue to go through, do I just decide to take my life and just finally end it all? Each road has its own pros and cons, all of which weigh heavily and have various supporters and opponents.

            The first option I have is remaining an active member of the LDS church “holding true” to what I have been raised and come to believe in for most of my life. Holding true would mean never having anything more than a platonic (non-sexual) relationship with another man and never being able to fully expressing my love or feelings towards another man no matter how intense the attraction and desire to do so might be. It may or may not mean living a completely celibate life holding to the LDS church’s stance on chastity “that no sexual relationship is to be had outside the bonds of marriage” marriage defined as a relationship between a man and a woman. Living such a life other than not getting married obviously means not having a wife, not having any kids, never being a dad, never hearing the words “I love you daddy!” or “I love you honey!”, never getting a Father’s Day card from your own son or daughter, never celebrating a wedding anniversary, and potentially never finding someone to love who loves me for who I am.

            The second option I have is to live a double life. This is something that I’ve done before--pretending to be something I’m not, lying about and hiding who and what I truly am, what I want, and what I feel. Having lived like this before, I know that this leads to many arguments, sleepless nights, bad decisions, and extreme loneliness. While it is possible for a time to live like this, most people that do can only do so for a short while, two to three years max. With this lifestyle, things normally end in a big blowup or cause suicidal thoughts, actions, attempts and successes, and an overall disaster. Most agree that this temporary option really is not an option at all.

            The third option I have is to give up my entire life as I’ve known it and live a fully and openly “gay” life. This is what most people in this position decide to do: They give it all up and “embrace” their new life as fully and as quickly as possible. Many who experience homosexual feelings and/or attractions lead-out a gay lifestyle for the rest of their life. This leads to both communal support and rejection depending on the local culture and level of acceptance; for example Provo, Utah vs. San Francisco, California are almost completely extreme opposites in terms of accepting those not only with homosexual attractions but those who are living gay lives. Living a gay lifestyle would also mean finding the love and relationship that I so deeply yearn for and often dream of. It would mean having a relationship like many others do and enjoy, and it would mean potentially finding someone to love who loves me for who I am.

            The fourth and final option that I have is to commit suicide. As a sad truth many people, especially members of the LDS faith who believe that they cannot be faithful members of the church simply because they have such feelings and attractions, feel they have no other option and make the sad and drastic decision to take their own life. I and many like me have often prayed long and hard to have these feelings taken away and/or as I have done, prayed that those I love will be protected from me.  After reaching such intense levels of pain, depression, fear, loneliness, self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy, and overall darkness I have come to this very conclusion a few times over and thought to take my own life.  After all of this, it is hard to see that other options even have the slimmest possibility of existing, leaving suicide as the only option to finally have peace and end all the pain and torment.

            No two people are exactly the same. Thus no two people will come to a decision in the same way or the same amount of time. With much hope, the decision to commit suicide will come up as little as possible. With friends, family, and others in positions to give counsel hopefully such a sad ending will not come about as often as it has. Thankfully, many do find and receive the needed help and support and many lives are spared giving suicidal people to think clearly, find reason, and to be listened to. I am still wrestling to find balance and peace while at times fighting off the thoughts of suicide. While I thankfully have people to turn to for support, when the darkness takes over, it is hard to think of them. The struggle just to reach out for help brings unbearable pain and shame, making it unbearable to think that help is at hand.

Now the question which brings about so much torment and pain: Do I stay “true” to and follow what I’ve believed in for most of my life? Or do I leave it all behind to live a gay life? Or do I live a double life? Or the next time the darkness comes, do I give in letting it take over and finally decide to take my life? Do I end all the pain and torment that at times may ease up but never actually goes away allowing me to find peace in my life? There is no “one size fits all” answer; we’re all different, and find peace and happiness in different ways. The question is how do I find it for myself?